


Talking

by LondonGypsy



Series: 'I Do' [6]
Category: Benedict Cumberbatch Fandom, British Actor RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Love Confessions, M/M, Relationship Discussions, Secret Relationship, a bit of angst, baby talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 00:16:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2898209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LondonGypsy/pseuds/LondonGypsy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A new baby, making (wrong) assumptions,  a much needed talk and a revelation.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Talking

**Author's Note:**

> beta'd by the lovely OzGirlGlinda and the wonderful Barawen

"She's utterly beautiful." 

"She got that from her mother." 

"The hair's yours though." 

"Good Lord, the poor thing." 

"She's only a day old, she doesn't even have hair yet," Hattie throws in, her tired eyes never once leaving her daughter in Alex's arms. 

"She has, look," James points at the fuzzy dots on the tiny head, "there." 

"Love, if you want to call that hair, I suggest you check your glasses," she says, smiling sleepily. 

Alex grins at the loving banter and caresses the soft cheek of the baby. 

"Good luck, little lady," he murmurs, marvelling at the fact that the tiny human being in his arms doesn't even stir.

She's sleeping peacefully, her toothless mouth working in her sleep, the fragile little hands curled into fists. 

Carefully he stands up and wants to put her down in her cot but James shakes his head. 

"Nah, hold her a bit longer. She hates the cot, always starts crying." 

"Oh, okay. But you have to relieve me in a bit, my arms are falling asleep, she's surprisingly heavy." 

Hattie giggles and shifts in the bed, wincing. 

"That she got from her father," she says, beaming at James who returns the look. 

Alex sits back in his chair, slowly not to wake the precious weight in his arms. 

"Do you have a name for her yet?" 

James yawns and slaps his hand over his mouth. 

"Sorry, didn't get much sleep last night. No, no name yet." 

Hattie pats his head which is resting on the side of the bed. 

"My poor tortured husband, you better get used to that. I've been told that's what babies do: keep you up all night, cry and demand and generally be a pain in the arse." 

James whines mockingly, burying his face in the soft sheets of the hospital bed.

"What did I get myself into? Can we give her back?" 

"Not for all the money in the world," Hattie says, the soft glow of a mother surrounding her like an aura. 

The sarcastic expression on James' face melts like snow in the sun as he looks at his wife, his eyes shining brightly. 

Alex lowers his head - it's too private a moment to witness.

A sharp knock on the door has them all look up. 

"Come in," James says. 

Benedict's head pokes through the gap, a huge smile on his face. 

"Excuse me, I'm looking for family Rhodes? Have you seen them? Lanky guy, gorgeous wife and from what I've heard the most beautiful daughter there is?" 

Hattie laughs and beckons him in. 

"Come in, you silly man." 

Benedict pushes the door open, revealing the huge bunch of flowers in one hand and a small wrapped package in his other. 

"Congratulations," he says, handing James the flowers and Hattie the gift, "I'm so very happy for you both.” 

"Thank you, mate," James says as he stands and hugs him, "make yourself comfortable. I'll see if I can find a vase for this monstrosity." 

Winking cheekily at Benedict he strolls out of the room. 

"So," Benedict says, "where is she? I'm dying to see her." 

Hattie nods towards Alex in his corner; Benedict hasn't seen him yet. 

"Hey Ben," he says softly. 

"Hey Alex." 

Wordlessly Alex watches how Benedict's eyes slide over his face and his stomach immediately fills with butterflies. 

Then the man's eyes fall on the baby in his arms and his expression becomes unreadable for Alex. 

Benedict's staring at her, not moving a muscle. He shakes himself visibly after a moment, a shaky smile on his face. 

Turning back to Hattie who watches him patiently he asks: 

"Can... can I hold her?" 

She nods. 

"Of course. Alex?" 

"Come here," Alex says hoarsely, standing up to let Benedict sit. 

"You have to steady her head," Alex murmurs as he gently places the baby in the crook of Benedict's arms, "yes, just like this." 

His nerves tingle as he adjusts Benedict's hands, letting his fingers linger a bit too long on his warm skin before he steps back. His knees are wobbly and he falls on the end of Hattie's bed. 

"Oi careful," she yelps, pulling her feet to the side. 

"Sorry," Alex mumbles absently, his eyes glued to Benedict's face who's looking down on the baby. Her tiny head almost vanishes in his large hand, the other one covering her entire back. She's making quiet muttering noises, her lids are fluttering, her fingers grasping at something invisible. 

Alex has the feeling that Benedict's barely breathing as he's drinking in every motion she makes in his arms. His eyes are glazed over and his face is blank for a moment. 

But then he sags against the backrest of the chair and exhales loudly. 

"She's perfect," he whispers hoarsely, a million emotions showing in his face which leave Alex a bit breathless. 

Benedict's utterly enthralled by the baby, doesn't notice anything else, all his attention concentrates on the tiny being in his arms. He moves her, cradles her closer to let her head rest in the crook of his arm so he can run his slender fingers over her face, murmuring words only she can hear. 

Alex sees the overwhelming love, the pure adoration on his face, and his heart clenches, a hot sting shooting through his limbs. 

Suddenly he feels a hand on his shoulder and turns: Hattie's lifted herself up, peering curiously at his face. 

Her eyebrows rise and vanish in her hairline. She sighs. 

"Oh Alex..." 

She caresses his cheek and smiles sadly. 

"I'm sorry," she whispers, "I didn't know." 

Alex frowns.

"Didn't know what?" 

She quirks a weary smile.

"There are still other options, you know," she says mysteriously before she lies back, groaning gently. 

Before Alex can inquire more, James bursts back into the room, carrying a vase with the flowers. 

"They're not equipped for epic flower bunches, it seems," he grins cheerily, setting the overflowing vase on the table with the others. 

The atmosphere in the room shifts instantly. 

"Aw, look at that," James coos, flopping onto the bed next to his Wife, "the godfather is getting  acquainted with his burden already." 

"James!" Hattie scolds, "she's not a burden." 

And a bit softer: 

"Especially not for Ben." 

Alex's throat closes up.  

A loud wail has them all flinch and Benedict looks up, panic in his eyes. 

"What did I do?" 

Hattie giggles and holds out her hands. 

"You did everything right, Love, she's just hungry." 

"Oh." 

Benedict's expression is so adorable that Alex can't hold back a quiet laugh. 

"Give her to me," Hattie says, sitting up in bed, "and she'll be a happy baby in no time." 

Benedict stands and slowly walks the few steps to the bed. He looks at the baby and bends down to press a kiss on her forehead, making her scrunch her nose and elicit another wail. 

Very carefully he lays her in Hattie’s arms, unwilling to let go completely. 

"You'll get her back," Hattie murmurs as she starts to unbutton her nightgown.

"We'll wait outside, shall we?" Alex says and stands. 

"You don't have to," Hattie says. 

"I've got to get going anyway," Benedict says hesitantly, never once taking his eyes off the baby who is making loud displeased noises, smacking her tiny mouth, "just wanted to stop by quickly." 

"Was great seeing you, man. Come by anytime you like," James says, hugging him tightly. 

"I will," Benedict says, leaning down to kiss Hattie's cheek and running a finger over the baby's head.

"Take care, Ben. And thank you so much for the flowers,” Hattie smiles.

"Don't forget this," he says, pointing at the wrapped parcel, still lying on the bed. 

"I won't, thanks." 

"Okay, I’ve really got to go now," Benedict says, reluctantly walking towards the door, “take care.”

Alex watches him leave, a knot in his stomach. Suddenly he can't stay put. 

"Excuse me for a second, I'll be right back," he says, hurrying towards the door. 

Out of the corner of his eyes he sees a knowing smile on Hattie’s lips but neither she nor James say anything as he leaves. 

Scanning the hallway, Alex sees Benedict's tall figure round a corner and he sprints after him. 

"Ben, wait," he calls as he's close enough. 

Benedict stops, looking over his shoulder. He frowns and casts a quick look around. 

Alex flinches; he hates the wariness in his gleaming eyes. 

"Just wanted to know if you're coming over later," Alex asks quietly, "I can make dinner." 

Benedict's face has that blank look again, and Alex wants nothing more than to kiss it away. 

"Please?" Alex adds, "it's been weeks." 

Benedict's lips quirk into a small smile. 

"Missing me, are you?" 

Alex swallows the sarcastic answer already on his lips and nods.

"Yes I am. Terribly," he replies lowly, searching Benedict's eyes. 

The smile falters and Benedict's face softens. 

"I miss you too. Bloody work," he mutters. 

"Then come on over and let me cook for you." 

"Okay. It might be late though, there's that thing I have to go to tonight," Benedict says, checking his watch, "should be over before ten, I reckon." 

"You know me," Alex says, "I don't go to bed before 2 in the morning." 

"Yes, I know, my little night owl," Benedict says, smiling at him. 

Alex casts a look around the hallway: it's empty and he takes Benedict's hand, squeezing it tightly. The touch sends a spark along his spine; it's been way too long since they've been alone with each other. 

Benedict moans quietly, returning the squeeze. 

"See you later then," he says, voice dark and full over longing. 

"Hurry," Alex only says and lets go, the yearning in his body so strong he has to walk away or he'd devour the man right here, in the hall of a hospital. 

*

It's almost eleven when Alex's doorbell rings. Smiling he goes to open the door only to be greeted by an armful of Benedict, clinging to him and squeezing the breath out of him. 

"God, can I hide here for the rest of my life?" he mutters against Alex's neck, making him chuckle. 

"Of course you can but we both know you'd go crazy after a few days," Alex replies, carefully detangling himself from the man to close the door. 

Benedict sighs deeply. 

"True but still." 

Without another word he strolls into the sitting room, flopping on the couch, groaning happily as he kicks off his shoes and takes of his jacket. 

"Want something more comfy than that?" Alex asks as he walks past him, running a hand through Benedict's hair in passing, "I think you've got some jeans and a jumper here. Not that I don't appreciate the suit..." 

He lets his eyes roam over Benedict, slouched into the sofa cushions. He's wearing a grey bespoke ensemble, tight in all the right places, enhancing the muscles in his legs, especially when he's sitting, and a simple white shirt with the first two buttons open, revealing bits of pale soft skin. He looks fantastic, yet tired and there's a harsh line around his mouth that worries Alex a little. 

Benedict hums and nods. 

"God yes, I can barely breathe in this thing." 

"Bedroom," Alex says, biting back a grin as Benedict raises an ironic eyebrow at him but he wordlessly stands and wanders off. 

Alex busies himself with checking on the dinner in the oven: he knew Benedict would be late, he always is so he didn't bother with making anything that had to be done in time. 

"Ah, this is so much better," he hears behind him, two strong arms wrapping around his waist. 

"Hungry?" Alex asks, turning in the circle of his embrace. 

"Hmm," Benedict hums, rubbing his nose against Alex's, which shoots a warm wave through his body. 

"Not for food, I presume?" 

"Not really, no." 

"What did you have in mind then?" 

Benedict's eyes narrow and he pulls Alex closer, tilting his head as he runs a hand over his back and creeping under the t-shirt.

"Shall I tell or shall I show you?" he rumbles, splaying his hand over Alex's lower back. 

"Showing's always better," Alex murmurs, his own hands pushing under the cosy jumper Benedict's  now wearing. 

"Is it now?" 

"Yes, absolutely." 

Benedict laughs lowly and Alex can't help the shivers skittering over his skin at the sound. It never fails to make his knees weak and his heart beat faster: Benedict's laugh is one of the most pleasant sounds he's ever heard, and he loves it. 

Benedict's still rubbing his nose against Alex's, his breath warm against his lips. 

"Come here then," he whispers, pulling him even closer. 

One hand leaves Alex's lower back and settles on the back of his head, gentle fingers tangling in his hair. With a low hum he closes the gap between them and kisses him. 

Alex moans as their lips meet. 

Hesitant and a bit shy they tentatively re-discover each other's lips; it's been a while since they’ve  had the privacy to do so. 

Benedict is working a lot and they rarely have enough time for more than a fleeting touch or a yearning look. 

Now they're alone and they take advantage of it. 

Alex moans as Benedict's tongue flickers over the seam of his mouth and he opens it, sinking into the deep kiss, savouring the feeling, the taste and the scent of the other man, surrounding him wholly like a beloved blanket.

"Fuck, I've missed this," Benedict mutters between nips at Alex's lips, his fingers absently combing through the hair, chasing tingles down Alex's spine. 

"I've missed _you_ ," Alex replies, diving into another passionate kiss, tangling his own hands in Benedict's hair which is long enough that he can wrap it around his fingers. 

He sighs into the kiss. 

"I love it when your hair is like this," he whispers, pulling back and using both hands to slide them through the luxurious mass of curls, tousling it, making Benedict purr loudly. 

"You're impossible," Alex snickers, oddly touched at the blissful expression on the other man's face, "I'd bet you were a cat in another life." 

"Probably," Benedict drawls, pushing his head further into Alex's hand, "...oh god, don't stop, that feels good." 

Alex's heart jumps at the dark longing in his tone - Benedict's voice is a thing of beauty in moments like this. 

He keeps running his hands over the man's head, caressing the soft skin at the nape of his neck and his temples, relishing the warmth of those wild curls and for a while nothing else matters. It's just the two of them in his dimly lit kitchen, hidden from the hectic world outside these four walls. 

Benedict's purrs lull him in: the constant low buzz is hypnotising, his tense body relaxes with every caress until he stumbles forward and against Alex, blinking heavy lids open. 

"Didn't you say something about dinner?" he asks hazily. 

"Yes," Alex says, kissing him and shooing him into the sitting room, "sit and I'll get it." 

Benedict stumbles tiredly to the small table and falls on a chair. 

He devours the food Alex puts in front of him, making appreciating noises but otherwise not saying a word which worries Alex a bit.

He's usually chatty when coming back from an event but tonight he permeates an exhaustion that scares Alex. 

"How was tonight?" he asks, trying to sound calm even though his heart beats too fast.

"The usual," Benedict says between bites, "grand big opening of some store, I don't really remember. Everything sort of blurs into one after a while." 

"Ah, okay."

Not knowing what else to say Alex starts clearing the table while Benedict stands and opens a window, lighting a cigarette. 

From the kitchen Alex watches him thoughtfully while he waits for the kettle to boil. 

Something's off and he can't lay a finger on it. 

"Tea?" he asks as the kettle clicks off. 

"Yes, please." 

Alex fixes them both a mug and carries it over to the window. 

"Ta," Benedict says absently as Alex hand's him a mug. Alex snags the cigarette from his fingers and takes a drag. 

They smoke in silence, the cool air from outside making Alex shiver. 

Benedict notices and clicks his tongue. Dropping his cigarette into the small flowerpot with sand he wraps both arms around Alex, burying his face in his hair, pressing himself close to him. 

Worry and confusion fill Alex and he leans back, trying to make out Benedict's face in the shadows. 

"Hey, are you okay?" he asks, raising a hand to caress his cheek. 

Benedict shrugs. 

"Weird day today," he says quietly, an odd tinge in his tone. 

"You always have weird days," Alex says, squinting at him. 

"Weirder than usual than." 

"Ben, what's wrong? There _is_ something wrong, isn't there? You're acting strange today, you didn't...." 

He stops, groaning and slapping a hand on his forehead as realisation hits him. Benedict has been absent for a while now, lost in his own head more often than not.

And if Alex is honest with himself, he knows when it all started.

"The baby?" he asks quietly, a painful sting in his heart. 

Benedict shrugs again but he lets go of Alex, taking up the mug and cradling his hands around it, staring out in to the darkness. 

Alex watches him, a hollow helplessness spreading through his limbs. 

Benedict doesn't speak about it but Alex knows from countless friends how desperately he wanted to be a father. But that was before they knew each other. Since they’ve been together, he’s never said anything about it, never mentioned it. 

"Gosh, I'm so stupid," Alex mutters under his breath, making Benedict look at him, his brows drawing together. 

"You're not," he says, still frowning even though a tiny smile flickers over his lips. 

"Yes, I am," Alex says, taking the mug from Benedict's hand and twining their fingers together. He leads him over to the sofa and pulls him down with him. 

Benedict follows willingly, pulling his long legs under himself, his incredible eyes scanning Alex's face curiously. 

"What is it?" he asks, brushing a thumb over the deep frown on Alex's forehead. 

For a second Alex loses himself in the touch but then he sits back, taking Benedict's hand in his, contemplating how to say what he's going to say. 

"I'll never be able to give you children," he then blurts out, a cold weariness washing over him. 

"I'll never ask you to," Benedict replies but his voice sounds distant. 

Alex exhales, looking down at their entwined fingers. 

"I'm so sorry, Ben, I didn't realise until just now. I... well, I for myself never wanted kids, knew I wouldn't be able to have any so that was never an actual issue. My sister has two and I was happy to be an uncle but I never had the desire to have children of my own. Seeing you today with James' baby... I should have known, I'm sorry." 

Benedict remains silent, his fingers lifeless and cool in Alex's hands. 

"Listen-" Alex clears his throat, the next thing weighing heavily on his tongue but he needs to say it, "-if you want to... well, break up with me, would rather find someone else, someone who's able to give you what you want... I’d understand it." 

And as he says it, he knows it will break him if Benedict takes him up on it. Beyond repair. But he instinctively knows he has to at least give him the option.

"I have been thinking about it." 

The words, spoken quietly into the looming silence cut through Alex's heart like a knife, sharp and cold. 

"Ever since Hattie got pregnant," Benedict's voice is calm and as Alex glances up at him, he's not looking at him, his glazed over eyes are staring blindly at a point behind Alex. 

"Seeing her through the months, seeing her getting that beautiful glow all becoming mothers get, witnessing James getting more and more excited about his baby? It almost killed me. Knowing I won't have that. Knowing I'd probably never get to see my girlfriend, my wife carrying our child under her heart, feeling it start to kick, watching it grow and eventually seeing its face for the first time, knowing I’d protect it with all I have from that very first second. It ate me up. Work was the only thing that kept distracting me. But every time James sent me another picture, another scan... well. It hurt. Still does. Knowing I'll always only be a godfather, an uncle, never a father myself." 

He falls silent, clearing his throat.

The hollow feeling in Alex spreads, followed by utter hopelessness which numbs his fingers and burns cold and heavy in his soul.

He lets go of Benedict's hands; they fall on the worn sofa with a thud. 

"I understand," he croaks into the deafening silence, the words foreign in his mouth. 

Knowing he has to let Benedict leave hurts so much it takes his breath away and he's unable to move, frozen to that very spot. 

A small motion has him peer up. 

Benedict's watching him closely, and there's again that unreadable expression on his face. 

"Do you?" he asks.

Alex shrugs.

"Not really much I can do, is there?" he says, avoiding Benedict's intense gaze.

"Wrong." 

Alex blinks. 

"Would you please look at me?" Benedict's tone has an impatient tinge to it. Nevertheless Alex is almost sure he can hear amusement in it and he glances up again. 

Benedict's smiling at him, gentle and sweet and Alex's heart stops at the sight. Benedict's eyes are shimmering azure in the low lights, something so soft and loving in the expression Alex can't suppress the sob that breaks free. He bites his lip.

"Don't you know yet?" Benedict asks softly, reaching out and cupping Alex's face, his thumb trailing patterns on his cheek. 

"Know what?" Alex's voice breaks at those two words. 

Benedict's smile becomes blinding. 

"That I love you." 

The words hang in the air like something physical, almost palpable, and it takes a few seconds for them to register in Alex's numbed mind. He gasps when they finally hit.

"I could never leave you," Benedict continues, his palm resting reassuringly on Alex's cheek, "and there's nothing in the world that I want more than you. I've treated you badly the past few months and I'm sorry for that, I hope you can forgive me. That's why I was so late. I walked here, had to think a bit, had to say goodbye to the idea of ever having my own children. I've wanted to tell you, tried to talk to you but I couldn't. I had to sort that out myself. And today I realised I'm surprisingly okay with the prospect of not being a father. As long as I have you.”

Alex's mouth is dry and he has to swallow a few times before he has control over his own voice again. 

"There are still other options," he rasps, repeating the exact same words Hattie said to him earlier. 

Benedict nods, his thumb sliding over Alex's trembling lips. 

"Yes, there are. And they will still be there in case we ever need them." 

Alex's body slumps into itself and he distantly notices that he's quivering. 

Benedict notices as well and with a quiet curse he pulls him in his arms, peppering kisses all over his face before sealing them over Alex's lips, kissing him deeply. 

Breaking it, Alex buries his face in the crook of his neck, ignoring the relieved tears soaking the fabric of Benedict's jumper. 

"I'll probably choke up every time I'll see a baby," Benedict murmurs into Alex's hair, his hand drawing soothing circles over his back, "and I might be a bit quiet every now and then, mourning a dream I've had for a long time, a different life, but that'll be it. I've never been much of a 'what if...' man. The reality is always the better choice. And I'll learn to live with it. I'm very good at learning new things.”

Alex huffs a laugh. 

"That you are," he says sniffling. 

“I've learned from the best,” Benedict murmurs, tightening his grip around Alex.

They stay like this, sitting wrapped around each other for a while, adjusting to these revelations until Benedict yawns, making them both laugh softly. 

Alex wipes his eyes, pulls back and their gaze meets instantly. 

"Bed?" he asks, scrambling to his feet. 

"Bed," Benedict says, taking the outstretched hand and together they walk into Alex's bedroom. They undress and slip under the covers, Benedict curling around Alex, resting his head over his heart, Alex's hand instantly finding its way into his tousled curls again. 

"We'll manage," Benedict murmurs drowsily, "we always do." 

Alex smiles and nods mutely. 

Moments later he feels Benedict's body relax, getting heavier until he starts snoring quietly as he always does when he's utterly exhausted. 

Brushing the hair out of his face, Alex kisses the top of his head, feeling his own tense muscles get heavy with sleep as well. 

"I love you too," he murmurs just before he drifts of to sleep. 

The quick flicker of a smile on Benedict's face goes unseen in the darkness of the room. 

 

 


End file.
